realisation that i last wrote from bkk...thought i covered my kidnappings at least, but alas, nooo...

.................................

so, went to malaysia for a visa run, and naturally it turned into more of a mission than i intended, as
i arrived friday after the embassy closed and wasn't able to go until monday, and then tuesday was
the king's birthday so the embassy was closed, so my seemingly simple mission turned into a five
day spell in penang...



luckily penang's an okay place. i was accompanied by a singaporean guy who found my lifestyle
perplexing and impossible, and so he stayed on with me for five days, trying to first understand my
lifestyle and then to convince me it wasn't possible...conversations went something like:



him: drag of cigarette and lost in thought

me: smiling in amusement at his unneccessary frustration

him: "you can't live like this forever."

me: "maybe you can't. i can do whatever i want."

him: nodding and puffing

me: smiling in further amusement and drinking my ultra sweet coffee.



anyway, visa in hand, i dashed (literally, i was at the embassy so long i nearly missed the bus and
had to spend yet another overpriced day in penang) back to thailand.

and from there, i heeded inexplicable advice and accepted the invitation of phra montri, a monk i met
in chiang mai, who invited me to come to his forest monestary near trang and study a meditation
technique with him. of course, things don't quite go as planned, and the woman he had hoped to
wrangle into translation (he speaks almost no english~you'll get to hear his two words in a moment)
had to leave the morning after i arrived, and so i took my precepts, changed into the most ill-fitting
and starched-to-discomfort white frocks i have worn in recent memory (had to wear yet another layer
of white frock designed for a proper nun because without a bra my frock was see-through and
therefore unfitting to be seen in front of phra montri)...and there i was...living in a bungalow with three
other women, none of whom spoke a lick of english, and spent my days helping them cook and
clean, giving love to a poor little dog (really bad karma, this one) and do my own practice.

as for my own practice, it was really amazing. i was drawn to the shrine of ganesh, facing the rubber
tree plantation. i meditated on the trees. it was heartbreaking to see their wounds from graftings
with my own eyes, to feel their agony from the scars left by humans' need for their precious sap..
their vital juice. they spoke to me. i heard their cries like the wails of prisoners of any kind. really
intense. they don't live long healthy lives that way, you know.

as for the entertainment portion of this visit, well, it wasn't very fun mostly. i felt trapped by my
inability to communicate with the three other women and the one monk staying at the monestary,
and felt often angered and frustrated by my isolation, which was painfully a sense of humorous
entertainment for them. i mean, i have certainly been alone as a language speaker with people
before, but cannot remeber feeling so out-of-place. and, i had gone there to learn a meditation
technique, and that wasn't possible. (herein lies the monk's two words in english; when he tried one
evening to "teach" me, he drew a chicken and an egg on a board, and said, "chicken. egg." and
that was it. then he mutttered to himself in thai, 'yeah, good luck with teaching this!' and shook his
head, chuckling.

and, as always, then the adventure came..we were sitting one evening in the dharma hall, preparing
for evening chanting. in walked a woman who i had met before and with whom had practiced eye
gazing, and her brother, who is head monk at another monestary. through a translator by telephone
(where was this voice the last four days?), i was informed that phra pipop wanted to take me to his
monestary and teach me a meditation technique...well, i figured, what the hell, i hate it here, why not
go somewhere else and see how that goes? and so, kidnapped in the dark of night...destination..
unknown..



..and some time passed..can seem endless when you're in a car with people who keep trying to talk
to you when clearly you cannot communicate beyond things like, "it's delicious," and "it's fun," but
they keep on trying, and i wasn't in the best of spirits after my recent social imprisonment. when
suddenly phra pipop calls yet another english speaker (where are they hiding?) and she starts telling
me that his temple is really nice and in the mountains and i will feel like family there, and that at least
one person living there speaks english...



ehem.



excuse me for sounding pessimistic, but, um, yeah right, i thought. but, at least i wasn't at the other
place anymore!

and then i felt the air begin to shift, and i knew i was in the mountains. i always know. the mountains
are where i find my power, are where i feel the most alive and connected and free and vibrant. i could
feel them around us, even through the darkness.



i started to smile.



we got out of the car at the temple, and one woman led me by the arm to look in front of the car.
there before me was sister moon, shining brightly, her radiance silouetting the mountains around us,
her beauty reflecting in the lake below me. rest my child, she smiled. now you can rest.



oh my, i thought, oh my.



wat phu kao lek, temple of infinity, is nestled in a cirque of mountains lushly draped in tropical
vegetation. the mountains dip and dollop like the ones in old chinese oil paintings. in the closest
mountain, the one just on the other side of the small lake, there are caves like i have never seen.
the first was halfway up the mountain, and we reached it by climbing a wide, moss-laden stone
staircase. the staircase ended with a statue of a rishi guarding the cave. a great buddha statue
overlooked the lake, and another rishi sat adjacent. the children with us led us away from the cave
and through the jungle, no one seeming to find it inappropriate that miss-foreign-lady is trapsing
through the wet, muddy jungle in the blazing white frocks of a nun (forgive me, mother earth, for the
quantities of bleach i was made to use to get that out). we reached another cave, and ducked in.
we walked up a ways, and then reached the bat cave, a circular room with a high-pitched ceiling and
soft floor beneath (i realised later this was bat shit. soft~really soft). then hiking up my muddy
nunwear, we scaled and scrambled up rock glimmering with salt or some similar kind of mineral.
the ceiling hung with long stalagtites like dripping candles. really, my description here is doing
nothing to tell you of it, so i'll leave it at that.



meanwhile, back at the ranch..



the people were really amazing. it was low-key, with friendly people and english speakers, and one
old nun prepared all the meals (until i gave her a reiki attunement and told her to start taking care of
herself and she proceeded to not show up for work the next day and then accompanied the entourage
that escorted me to the rainbow gathering, but that's another story). i did my morning practice on the
veranda of the new building that hung over the lake, with early morning mist rising over the lush
mountains. i held hands and peeked about with a very special little nun, i think in this life with
schizophrenia.



and in the middle of the lake, which phra pipop (from here known as phra ajan, as he was locally called
for respect) commissioned built, was the formation of a grand statue of kwan yin. the boddhisatva of
healing and compassion. upon seeing her face, my mouth fell open, my breath stopped, and my eyes
teared. she is one who guides me in my practice. and there she was, right in the middle of the lake.
i was in a monestary that honored kwan yin above all others. for me, a dream come true.



i also spent a lot of time practicing healing work with people, giving reiki attunements to the renegade
nun and to another monk, both in need of great healing and so i wanted to empower them to heal
themselves in my absence, so i gave them attunements and taught them how to treat themselves.
i gave some spot treatments here and there, and then one day we went on a little excursion and i
was eye gazing with four different women, each of whom had a very strong reaction to this practice;
two cried, four embraced me, and one vomited. i'm not quite sure what is happening in this practice,
but it's coming and it's powerful, and i'm encouraged by others to keep doing it. and so, i accept the
role as channel for whatever it is, and that the higher intelligence doesn't feel it necesary that i
understand what's happening. part of the role of a channel is to accept that we don't know, nor do we
need to know, everything.



we were on our little excursion through more astounding dollopping mountains, and i felt a surge of
longing to remain in this place, to find a way to spend more time here. and then we arrived at a
wonderful little wooden bungalow, and phra ajan told me it was his house (i envisioned him sneaking
away from the monestary and having little solo dance parties in the place. maybe having a bit of a
smoke or something). he sat down and asked me if i wanted to liv ein his house. i laughed and said,
"be careful! i will!" he then shared with me that he wanted me to come and live in this house, and
do healing work with the people living in and visiting the monestary, which always has a number of
people coming to stay or coming to visit. yes, i said, yes. or course i want to stay.



in so many ways, this kind of opportunity was just what i wanted. to live in this little house and plant
my garden, eat from my fruit trees, spend time creating and crafting and practicing and being. solitude
and communion with nature. and to practice and share healing work with this community, this
wonderful buddhist community that had made me feel like i belonged, had welcomed me and included
me and thought of me as one of their own. not a visitor to fuss over and tire from the uneccessary
attention, but a sincere member of the community. with a long breath in, i smiled and thanked the
universe.



but, first i had some things to do, like rainbow and hyeon su's wedding, and so he asked when i would
return. and that would be...march. bookmark that thought.



a week later, i was at rainbow. i was vibrating with love energy from this experience with wat
phukaolek, and sharing healing work and an open heart with many brothers and sisters in need.
and i was receiving acceptance for who i am, in this moment, with no expectations and no
judgements. i felt relaxed and at home. one evening, sitting by the fire at the italian chillum stop,
i asked shiva and the fire for clarity. and, boom. it came. i understood that on so many levels,
living and working with wat phukaolek is exactly what i want to do, has so much potential for me to
learn and live and grow. buutt..it means living a completely isolated life. it means living in the
mountains with a community of wonderful, loving people, almost none of whom speak english.
yes, i could learn thai, but it's not so simple as that. it means being in community without a brother
or sister with whom to share my inner self, my heart, my mind, my feelings and frustrations. and
although i felt loved within this community, i must respect thier traditions and behave in certain ways,
inhibiting my true nature. not fully honoring me.



and sometimes, that's okay. certainly i have done it before, and certainly i will do it again. but
looking into grandfather fire that night, it came clearly to me that right now, i need to be among
family who understands me, who inspires me to burst wide open in the brightness of my being
and grow and grow and grow.



now is not the time for me to be in wat phukaolek.

..................................................

and with that realisation, i put that plan aside. not away, just aside. it is coming, and i will surely
return, just not now. perhaps i have some things to learn first. perhaps i have some things to do.
perhaps i have some companion or two to pick up and take with me. we'll bookmark that one for
another time.



sending each of you love and light on your own journey,

karin